Why is it sometimes you start to see and realise things when maybe it's too late?
The last 7 months have been a hard lifelesson for me. Having to deal with the divorce, having to deal with the pain that I put away the last few years.
The pain of the boys is heartwrecking. When seeing them struggle I feel guilty, although I know I made the right decision.
Not being able to take contole over your life again because you are not able to move on yet.
The knowledge of the move but not knowing when.
January 1st that is approaching so fast; the date that I have to move out of the house even if I don't have a place to go to. That gives me so much worry.
Not being able to be the friend you want to be because simply you can't. Losing your selfconfidence....
All these things made it happen that I started to react in a certain way.Not listening to people anymore, reacting with full panic, only hearing the bad things and not the other things people tried to tell me, scared you are not worth it, not worth fighting for.
People told me I needed to take a deep breath before reacting, that this way I came on to people too strong and made them feel like they couldn't breath. At the time I thought I saw it but I didn't...
Now that I am thrown back at myself I DO see it and makes me feel really guilty. Maybe it's all too late and that hurts.
The only thing I can do now is work really hard on myself. I will start a 5-day coaching therapy next week. It will be very tough, but I hope to be able to make a big step in a small amount of time.

I want to be that woman with selfconfidence that walks the streets with her head high with secure steps. I want to be able to be happy with myself, not constantly doubting myself.
I want to learn to listen to people and give them space if they ask for it, even if it feels so unnatural. Not knowing is difficult, but sometimes you need to let go to actually say the things you want to say.